I wouldn’t say I was afraid of cats, I was wary of them. There are three things in this world that I am absolutely terrified of: Snakes, Sharks, and Ghosts (and, would you believe it?, there was a point during my honeymoon in Kerala where all three were in play, at the same time!). The others (like heights, hard work, Corporate America, etc.) I am just wary of.
I am fairly certain that the wariness started with Senny Uncle’s Monstrous Tabby, a cat so fearsome that it managed to scare their cute little dog Buffy into submission (remind me to tell you about the time we had to host Buffy for a weekend when Senny Uncle moved back to Bombay and we had to ensure that the little dog was never in the same place at the same time as Rascoe…man oh man, was that a fun little weekend!). Ever since then I have been afraid, I mean wary, of cats. I’ve kept a healthy distance and for the most part they have reciprocated.
Fast-forward many years to my time in The OC (the real thing, not the TV show). I wouldn’t say that it was a sad time, a difficult time, or even an unfortunate time, it was an interesting time (thereby proving, once again, that fortune cookies are invariably right). My brilliant Corporate American career had run into challenges. Any friends I had lived in Los Angeles (even I wouldn’t have crossed The Orange Curtain to have hung out with me). Sunny’s Older Brother (my trusty 1989 Camry) had met his own untimely demise at the hands of a distracted young man who managed to run into us without even looking (talented, that kid was). I had been forced to resort to using a bicycle (a bicycle…in Southern California!) as my primary means of transportation. This in and of itself involved a fair amount of physical contortions: I had to first open the back door to the patio where I kept the said bicycle, I then had to open the front door, after which I had to carry this bicycle through my tiny studio ensuring that it never touched the carpet and place it outside the front door, return and close the back door leading to the patio, and finally close the front door, and then realize I had forgotten my backpack, which meant I had to once again re-open the front door and…well, you get the picture. Now picture the reverse in the evening when I returned home from work and you get an idea of what the bookends to my workday looked like.
So, one evening I returned home, absentmindedly opened the back door (absentminded because I was looking forward to my Post-Workday Ritual of Tea And Pardon The Interruption) when a strange creature shot into my studio before I had a chance to even flinch.
It was a cat!
I froze.
Cats, like dinosaurs, can either smell fear, or can’t see you unless you move. So I stood there, completely frozen, my arms growing ever so tired as I tried to keep my bicycle off the carpet.
That seemed to do the trick, eventually. The Cat got tired of sniffing around my little studio (as a bachelor living by myself, you can imagine that my lack of upkeep produced a lot for it to sniff) and disappeared into the darkness from whence it came. I closed the door and slept fitfully through the night fearing its return.
The one thing I learned the next day was that no matter how fast I thought I was, The Cat (and probably all cats in general) was faster. The second I opened the back door (you know, the one leading to the patio, the one that’s part of the Reverse Workday Bookend Ritual) The Cat was back! Luckily, I had my mobile phone on me and managed to call The Better Half without The Cat noticing.
“Dude” I said, “The Cat is back.”
“What cat?”
I told her what had happened. She told me that I needed to find out who the owner was. How on Earth could I do that? By looking at the tag on the collar. But that means…Yes, TBH told me wearily, you’ll have to get up close.
I figured out a good strategy. I would move slowly when The Cat was licking itself (which, for whatever reason, it seemed to do a lot of) and then freeze when it looked up and then move again when the licking resumed. My eyesight is pretty good (actually, it’s amazing, better than perfect according to my ophthalmologist, and essentially the only thing I’d ever want to pass on to any future children, the rest, I sincerely hope, they get from their mother), but it was still pretty hard to read. I managed one lousy letter: “J.”
I got an “A” the next day, and then a “Z” and another “Z” and finally a “Y” and eventually managed to spell it out: “Jazzy.”
The evil beast was called Jazzy.
It took me another couple of days and I managed to get a phone number off the tag. A cheerful young woman (my Cheerful Neighbor as it turned out) answered at the other end. Yes, she had a cat called Jazzy. Jazzy was not getting along with her “new” sister (another cat who had been recently rescued and added to the Cheerful Neighbor’s household) and had started wandering around the apartment complex a bit. Jazzy was totally harmless, had no special needs, and was perfectly friendly.
Yeah, right!
I’d seen what “friendly” cats can do. I may have been powerless to keep her out, but I could at the very least keep my distance.
The next few days passed by in an anxiety-filled haze. Jazzy would come in like clockwork every day after work despite my best attempts to block her (I was never a good goalie, why?, because everyone knows that the one thing all goalies need, more than athleticism, skill, size, and reflexes, is guts, and I was severely lacking in that one department…okay, fine, all departments, but especially that last one). I would give her ample space to roam where she wanted to, and I would just confine my activities to the corner of the studio that was furthest from her.
Until one day when she came dangerously close to my food (and me!). I had learned to keep my mobile on me for just such an emergency, and TBH’s number was on speed-dial.
She’s this close to me, and she’s sniffing my food, I told TBH in a panic. TBH just sighed, she’s hungry. Should I give her some of my food? No, a cat doesn’t want to eat In-N-Out, check with her owner.
I did as I was told. The Cheerful Neighbor told me that Jazzy liked the “usual” treats, and it was okay for me to give her some. What did that mean, the “usual” treats? Burgers and fries? Doughnuts? Thai food? Sushi? What was “usual” for cats?
Luckily, I lived in the greatest location known to Man (on the same corner as an In-N-Out and a Krispy Kreme which, wait for it, eventually turned into a Chick-fil-A!) and part of this retail cornucopia (Starbucks, Target, Big Lots, Samy’s Camera, Pizza Hut, Trader Joe’s, Michaels, etc. etc. etc.) that boggled the mind was PETCO (or was it PetSmart?). On my way home I stopped over and got some of these “usual” treats, and when Jazzy sniffed around my In-N-Out order (the usual: 3x3 with grilled onions, chopped chillies and extra spread, Fries with a side of spread – because Animal Fries were, you know a bit too much – and a Strawberry Shake) I gave her some of the Greenies/Temptations/Friskies/Pounce treats the Friendly Associate at PETCO (or was it PetSmart?) had so patiently helped me buy. Jazzy seemed to like that a lot and then she did something even stranger, she went up to the kitchen sink and just looked at the faucet.
She wants a drink of water, TBH said. But already I gave her a glass. No, TBH, said, she wants running water.
And sure enough, she lapped it up as soon as I turned on the faucet. Man, cats sure were fussy.
This carried on for a few more days. One evening I was trying to do some work when Jazzy started playing with my laptop power cord. Again, I was no cat expert, but I was pretty sure that Jazzy would not have wanted to be electrocuted. I tried to move the cord out of the way, but she just followed it around. Man, cats sure were stubborn.
She just wants to play, TBH informed me. So off I went to PETCO (or was it PetSmart?) and came back with an assortment of toys (Catnip Mice/Catnip Balls/Catnip Feathers/Catnip Birds/Catnip Ribbons) that the Friendly Associate assured me would keep Jazzy off the cord. It seemed to work. Jazzy was totally engaged with all the little ribbons, and balls, and fuzzy mice I threw at her, and I hated to admit it, but I sorta enjoyed getting Jazzy to display her lightning-quick moves (very cool!).
Another few days went by and I noticed that she was leaving clumps of hair (fur?) behind. TBH informed me that she was shedding (gross!) and needed to be brushed. So back it was to PETCO (or PetSmart?) and the Friendly Associate got me a Pin Brush/Hard Slicker Brush/DeShedding Tool. And if you think that it’s impossible to brush a cat without actually touching her, well, let’s just say that somehow I managed it.
And then came the fateful day when she plopped herself on my lap. My heart literally skipped a beat (I’m not kidding, I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared…well, fine, I have, but I was still pretty scared then). Again, the trusty mobile was close by and TBH came once again to my rescue.
You want me to do what?
Pet her.
Oh…my…God!
My hands were shaking (or trembling?) and I gingerly reached out and quickly touched her head. My hand came back with no scratches or bites, so I reached out again. Jazzy didn’t flinch and instead seemed to settle into my lap even more. A strange sound emanated, like a car idling.
This time TBH called me: She’s purring. (Okay, so obviously TBH didn’t call me, but I just thought I’d throw that in there anyways.)
We settled into a nice routine. I’d get home from another hard day of work (okay, so it wasn’t hard hard, but it sure as h*ll wasn’t easy) and Jazzy would be waiting for me. I’d put the kettle on, turn to Pardon The Interruption, and she’d keep me company. She would settle down on the pillow next to me, and had the bad habit of waking me up in the morning so I could get to work on time. She would follow me out, but only up to the very edge of the apartments, almost like there was an invisible line beyond which she wouldn’t go (scaredy-cat?), and she would sit there and send me off into the world.
Like I said, it was an interesting (and lonely) time, so this bit of routine and companionship was very welcome. The obligatory professional and personal development life-montage, which usually occurs at this point of the story, never really happened. Despite this lack of advancement, I found myself (in spite of, um, myself) pedaling home a little faster, looking forward to an evening of Tea, PTI, and Hangin’ with Jazzy. Then it was off to work again the next morning, with Jazzy sitting there watching me go off into the world.
We may have been a strange group of friends Jazzy, Michael Wilbon, Tony Kornheiser and me out there all by ourselves in The OC, but life (as the fortune cookies sometimes tell us) was good.
Life, as I keep finding out, also has the bad habit of changing on you when you least expect it.
So, in short order, I got married and moved back to the other side of The Orange Curtain. You see TBH had agreed to not only marry me (poor girl, if she only knew what she was getting herself into) but she had agreed to move all the way from the East Coast to Southern California. But, she would not live in Orange County (c’mon dude, it was like living in The Truman Show, what was not to like?). We found a place up in the South Bay (the Los Angeles South Bay, not the Bay Area South Bay – now that would have been a crazy commute) but the problem was that I had to move in immediately while TBH was getting her affairs in order back East.
I moved in over a weekend and it took me a few days to get situated. I still had to go back to my studio and pack everything up. It was a little strange going back to my old place. It had only been a few days, but I could already feel that chapter of my life closing.
And it was then that I realized I had forgotten about Jazzy.
She showed up, more animated (and dare I say, cuter?) than usual. She seemed confused about the new state of the studio (cleaned up with very little junk left behind) and went sniffing around everywhere. I collected Jazzy’s things and left them with the Cheerful Neighbor and gave her some advice on how she could get Jazzy and the new cat to get along being that Jazzy was an obstinate, proud cat who didn’t like doing what she was told, but could ultimately be cajoled into changing her behavior with some patience and strategically deployed treats and a whole lot of self-worth-boosting kindness.
I gathered up the last of my things but Jazzy wouldn’t leave the studio. Knowing from experience that simply shooing and waving my arms wouldn’t do the trick, I had to deploy that aforementioned strategy of kindness and cajoling and eventually she walked outside.
I spent a little bit of time with her knowing that she wasn’t going to follow me beyond that invisible line (scaredy-cat). I started walking towards the car and Jazzy followed behind me. She came up to that invisible line and stopped. I turned around to say goodbye and was shocked (no, seriously, it was one of those seeing-the-Taj-Mahal-in-real-life-for-the-first-time kind of shocked) when I saw her slowly, hesitantly, step over that line, and keep walking.
She followed me further than she ever had, all the way to my car. I bent down and patted her head for the last time and tried to talk her into heading back to her rightful owner, but she just sat there, looking up at me. As I drove off I could see her tiny little eyes shining in my rearview mirror as she sat there once again and sent me off into the world.
The next day I actually found myself driving (Sunny’s Older Brother had been replaced by Santino) back to the old studio before realizing that my new life was up in the South Bay. When I got to my new apartment I put the kettle on, turned on PTI, opened the door and waited... before I realized…
…Yup, those old habits and comforting routines, they sure do die hard.
So, if you, like me, ever find yourself feeling scared, I mean wary, of cats, and find yourself living in lonely and unfulfilling, I mean interesting, times, then by all means, get yourself some Tea, PTI, and Jazzy.
It worked for me!
Cheers!
The basu! Guide to the Movies
(The Dog-And-Cat-Days-Of-Summer Edition)
30 July 2010
The b! List
Ten things that are the best, ever (currently)!
1. Christopher Nolan. The Best Director, Ever! (Currently)
http://bit.ly/5OpByX
2. Muttiah Muralitharan. The Best Spinner With A Suspect Action Who Always Remained Gracious In Spite Of Everything, Ever! (All-Time)
http://bit.ly/clSifZ
3. Spain. The Best Footballing Nation To Finally Overcome Their Under-Achieving Ways And Win The Big One As Stylishly As Ever, Ever! (Currently)
http://bit.ly/aKMP7a
4. The Netherlands. The Best Footballing Nation That Totally Destroyed Its Once Great Legacy But Was Fun to Watch Nonetheless, Ever! (Currently)
http://bit.ly/9W1zG8
5. “Take Over the World” by The Courteeners. The Best Sadly Overlooked Insanely Catchy Brit-Pop Song, Ever! (Currently)
http://bit.ly/d5l6H5
6. Charllze Theron in “Crossfire” by Brandon Flowers. The Best Performance By An Oscar-Winning Actress In A Music Video That Highlights Where Her Career Should Have Gone, Ever! (All-Time)
http://bit.ly/c1tpPr
7. The Old Spice “Questions” Commercial. The Best Continuing Commercial Campaign, Ever! (Currently)
http://bit.ly/bxdtz2
8. “On Melancholy Hill” by Gorillaz. The Best Animated Video For A Catchy Song By An Animated Pop Group, Ever! (All-Time)
http://bit.ly/9rck6m
9. Louis Oosthuizen. The Best Dominating British Open Win By A Completely Nice Guy For A Change, Ever! (Currently)
http://bit.ly/aCRJLg
10. Vuvuzela Concert. The Best Unintentionally Funny Video That Only The Germans Could Have Produced, Ever! (Currently)
http://bit.ly/cExmTr
Special Mention: The Crazy Pakistan Cricket Team. The Best Cricket As Reality TV Team Capable Of Beating Anyone And Losing To Anyone On Any Given Day, Ever! (All-Time)
http://bit.ly/cbv33b
Special Mention: (500) Days of Weezy. The Best Mash-Up Between An Incarcerated Rapper And A Twee Hipster Romantic Comedy, Ever! (Currently)
http://500daysofweezy.com/
Movies: Long Live Bill Murray!
Get Low
Directed by: Aaron Schneider
Starring: The Great Bill Murray, Robert Duvall, Sissy Spacek, Lucas Black
Plot: A hermit plans his own funeral while getting ready to reveal a long-held secret. This-takes-estate-planning-to-a-whole-new-level type complications ensue.
The basu! Buzz: Murray lives! And that too in a well regarded little film that did all the festival rounds to some acclaim. I’m so there!
Bottom Line: Those Lucky Few in Manhattan and West Los Angeles: Theatres – Eventually; Other, Less Geographically Fortunate Souls: DVD
Other Movies to Check Out (As Well): Rushmore; Groundhog Day; Ghostbusters; Tootsie; Lost in Translation; Broken Flowers; Mad Dog and Glory; Fantastic Mr. Fox; Meatballs; Ghostbusters II; The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou; Caddyshack; Stripes; Quick Change; Kingpin; What About Bob?; The Royal Tenenbaums
Movies: Long Live Harvey Pekar!
The Extra Man
Directed by: Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini
Starring: Kevin Kline, Paul Dano, Katie Holmes, Cathy Moriarty, The Great John C. Reilly
Plot: An eccentric male escort takes a young man under his wings. The-best-mentors-are-always-the-weirdest type complications ensue.
The basu! Buzz: Berman and Pulcini are the directors of the awesome American Splendor, the great Harvey Pekar film. For that reason alone I will watch anything at all they do, and I mean anything…I added The Nanny Diariesto my Netflix queue!
Bottom Line: Those Lucky Few in New York and West Los Angeles: Theatres – Eventually; Other, Less Fortunate Souls: DVD
Other Movies to Check Out (As Well): American Splendor; Ghost World; Crumb; Persepolis; A History of Violence
Movies: For Old Time’s Sake
The Concert
Directed by: Radu Mihaileanu
Starring: Melanie Laurent, Aleksei Guskov, Dmitri Nazarov
Plot: A once-great conductor rounds up a ragtag group of musicians to perform a concert that will help him reclaim his once vaunted place in the music world. Rocky-by-way-of-Dudamel type complications ensue.
The basu! Buzz: In the old days a Weinstein movie like this would have gotten a few Oscar nominations, made some decent money at the box office, and gone on to have a long life in the DVD market. My, how the might have fallen!
Bottom Line: Me, and Others with Fond Memories of the Miramax Heydays: Theatres – Eventually; Other, Less Nostalgic Souls: DVD
Other Movies to Check Out (As Well): Pulp Fiction; Trainspotting; The English Patient; s*x, lies and videotape; The Crying Game; Il Postino: The Postman; City of God; Heavenly Creatures; Flirting With Disaster; Bob Roberts;My Left Foot; Chasing Amy; Mrs. Brown; Shakespeare in Love …and many, many more…
Movies: For Those Who Overcame Their Fear, I Mean Wariness, Of Cats
Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
Directed by: Brad Peyton
Starring: Neil Patrick Harris, Bette Midler, Nick Nolte, Wallace Shawn, The Great Roger Moore
Plot: A villainous cat schemes to bring down dogs and take over the world. Poor-cats-just-can’t-catch-a-break type complications ensue.
The basu! Buzz: When the first movie came around, I was firmly on the dogs’ side. This time out, I’m with the cats and the dogs. Why can’t we just get along?
Bottom Line: Those with Kids in Need of Babysitting Help: Theatres – Eventually; Me, and Others Who Just Want Our Pets to Get Along: Pass
Other Movies to Check Out (Instead): The Truth About Cats and Dogs; When the Cat’s Away; The Aristocats; The Cat Returns; The Lion King; Born Free
Movies: The Big Ones
Dinner for Schmucks
Directed by: Jay Roach
Starring: Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, Zach Galifianakis, Jemaine Clement, Ron Livingston
Plot: In order to get a much sought-after promotion, an ambitious executive must find the most eccentric guest at his boss’s annual dinner. Who-knew-all-it-took-were-idiots-to-get-ahead-in-Corporate-America? type complications ensue.
The basu! Buzz: With all these heavy-duty comedy names attached, and its based-on-a-French-film pedigree, why wouldn’t you want to watch it? Because of that little voice in the back of your head that is telling you that something just feels a bit off…Shut up voice! That’s Clement as in Flight of the Conchords Clement. Of course I’m going to watch the film, just wish he had brought Murray along with him.
Bottom Line: Me, and Others Ignoring That Little Voice in the Back of Their Heads: Theatres – Eventually; Other, More Discerning Souls: DVD
Other Movies to Check Out (As Well): The 40 Year Old Virgin; Clueless; Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery; The Hangover; Eagle vs. Shark
Charlie St. Cloud
Directed by: Burr Steers
Starring: Zac Efron, Ray Liotta, Kim Basinger, Amanda Crew, Donal Logue
Plot: A young man must learn to let go of his dead brother who communicates with him from beyond the grave and move towards the future when he falls in love. Don’t-do-it-kid! type complications ensue.
The basu! Buzz: You know, I kinda like that fact that Efron is already trying to have his Post-Tween Idol Career while he still is a Tween Idol. Pretty smart for a kid this young and nice. Good for him.
Bottom Line: Those with Tweenage Daughters: Theatres – First Week; Other, Less Harried Souls: DVD
Other Movies to Check Out (As Well): Truly Madly Deeply; The Frighteners; The Sixth Sense; Ghost; The Lovely Bones
The Top 10 Movies of 2010
Inception (new entry) [tie]
I Am Love (new entry) [tie]
Toy Story 3 (new entry) [tie]
How to Train Your Dragon [tie]
Shutter Island
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
The Thorn in the Heart
Green Zone
The A-Team (new entry)
Knight and Day (new entry)
From Paris With Love
Iron Man 2
Robin Hood
Top 10 Films Out Right Now That I Positively Have to See
Micmacs
The Secret in Their Eyes
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest
Salt
Winter’s Bone
Grown Ups
The Last Airbender
The Kids Are All Right
Cyrus
The Girl Who Played with Fire
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse [Might As Well Because I’ve Seen The First Two]