Three Stories, Or: How I Learned to Stop Loving and Start Worrying
Story One: The Ref, and Me, and Jesus Makes Three
There’s never a good reason to go to a rave.
Even if The Better Half (henceforth known as The Ref, for reasons that will soon become clear) insisted that the Crystal Castles performing at said rave was indeed a good reason. And the rave being on Halloween (hence The Ref) was an even better reason to not go. Finally, the location being in that part of Los Angeles they always tell you to avoid when you visit (though, in all the time that I actually lived there it was totally fine) was probably the best reason to not go.
The Sports Arena complex is large and hard to get into. After being denied entry at a number of entrances marked “Entrance” because we did not have VIP Entrance Tickets we finally made our way to the Main Entrance. Ghosts and ghouls surrounded us, outnumbered only by the underdressed young women this particular day always seems to inspire. And then it happened.
The Kid came out of nowhere, grabbed the tickets from The Ref’s hands, scratched her up a bit and then ran.
And like an idiot I ran after him.
It’s been a while since my old knees have had to sprint this fast and just when they were about to give way a Good Samaritan appeared out of nowhere and grabbed The Kid.
The Kid protested innocence and I reached for my phone to call the Cops.
Uh-oh, it wasn’t in my pocket.
Now I was mad. And you wouldn’t like Basu when he’s mad.
The Ref caught up to us and asked The Kid why he would do such a thing when all she wanted to do was have a good time (something about her working hard for her money). I took her phone and followed Eddie Griffin’s advice from the Armageddon trailer and dialed 911 (seriously, he was the best part about the trailer, and no, I have no idea who Sean Kingston is).
The Kid now told me to let go of him. And a bunch of his friends (Stupid Kids) tried to pry me away. I shook my fist at them and told them to get off my proverbial lawn (you Stupid Kids).
The Kid, sensing his opportunity, made a break for it. Don’t follow him the 911 Operator told me. Fine, I replied, I’ll stop following him as soon as these Mythical Cops show up.
The Kid was getting tired of my persistence (too bad I am never this diligent in any other thing I do) and warned me to get away from him. But I was mad, and you wouldn’t like me…
And that’s when he grabbed my neck and shoved me against the fence. And that’s when I realized just how much bigger The Kid was bigger than me, and I was a little less mad.
The Kid dashed into six lanes of heavy traffic on W. Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. I followed after him, and again the 911 Operator told me that running into this heavy traffic may not be a great idea.
The Kid ran across to the other side and into a scary alleyway. And he had to hop a pretty high fence to do it. My being mad had been superceded by my knees giving way and I gave up the chase.
And of course, that’s exactly when the Mythical Cops arrived, two squad cars, a golf cart and a helicopter in tow.
The Ref and I retreated back to our home base for the night: the Los Angeles Athletic Club in Downtown Los Angeles. Sensing that I needed to lick my wounds The Ref suggested we head over to a Local Watering Hole she had noticed back in happier times when we were about to embark on our adventure.
We entered this place called Seven Grand and sat down for a drink. When I was told I couldn’t, in fact, get a Mai Tai or a Pina Colada, I settled for a Whisky. I know that this Whisky is a manly drink, because a few sips knocked me back on my feet and caused a hallucination so profound it brought the entire night into perspective.
There was Jesus Christ standing right in front of me.
Bless you my child.
He blessed me, took a swig of my Whisky and then disappeared into the night.
All of a sudden a certain clarity and peace of mind overcame me accompanied by the warm feeling of the Whisky hitting the back of my throat as I took another swig.
Then a S*xy Disciple materialized out of nowhere. Did you see where Jesus went? She asked The Ref.
The Ref pointed to the end of the bar, and the S*xy Disciple took a swig of my Whisky and said simply by way of explanation, I’m with Jesus.
And she too was gone.
And I was peaceful. And hungry. So we decided to make our way to another Local Watering Hole known simply as The Pantry.
At The Pantry I found myself getting agitated. I had to wait in a long queue with Troy Polamalu (and his bottle of Head & Shoulders), Little Bo Peep, Popeye, Olive Oyl, Jack from Jack in the Box, and many confused civilians. My pancakes took a long time to arrive. My mind was beginning to go over the events of the night…
…and there he was again, Jesus Christ, in the flesh, literally.
Bless you my child.
And once again I was at peace as he nibbled at my pancakes.
Sean Carter might claim that there are eight million stories out there in the naked Empire City, but me, I’ll take the one about The Ref, and Me, and Jesus eating pancakes at 4 am…
Story Two: Paramedical Activity
Warning: The language contained herein may be offensive to some. Please proceed at your own risk.
There are three things in this world that I am deathly afraid of: Sharks, Snakes, and Ghosts.
And yes, during my honeymoon all three were in play, at the same time. The same time! But that’s a story for another day.
I am not fond of Heights, and I used to be wary of Cats (also a story for another day), but I am absolutely terrified of sharks, snakes, and ghosts.
I never should have agreed to see this little movie getting so much buzz out there, something called Paranormal Activity.
I mean for the most part the movie was pretty boring, at least I thought it was boring. It wasn’t until later that I realized I had been in a heightened state of apprehension.
And then things got really, um, you know, scary.
I mean there was some powder on the floor, doors opening by themselves, blankets coming off, people just standing around, strange voices, Ouija boards, breathings down your neck (literally, something was breathing down her neck, you could just see it), things happening just off frame, and then…that horrifying, heart-stopping, spine-tingling, man-why-do-I-feel-so-weird? ending!
Apparently, through this whole time (even the “boring” bits) I had been holding The Better Half’s hand and started really clutching it towards the end of the film.
As soon as the film (if you can call it that, more like cinematic water torture, man was it frightening!) was over I had the overwhelming urge to get out of there. I rose to my feet and everything seemed to sway around me. I was fine, totally fine. I stumbled my way to the end of the aisle and unsteadily down the steps. I was fine, I’m telling you. I managed to make my way this close to the exit when things turned black and I fell on the seat next to me.
I was fine. I got up and stumbled my way through the exit corridor and again collapsed, this time so close to the door. I had almost made it.
The next thing I know people are carrying me outside, TBH is looking very concerned, someone is once again following Eddie Griffin’s advice and dialing 911, the paramedics are arriving, giving me an EKG, stuffing my veins full of IV fluid and then accusing me of the one thing I’ve never be accused of in my life before: Looking Pale.
And then I’m on a stretcher (really guys, I’m fine), with oxygen being pumped through my lungs and more IV fluid and then I’m in an ambulance. Really guys, I’m fine. That’s all right sir, we want to make sure you’re okay.
And then I’m in the Emergency Room, on another stretcher, watching those fluorescent tube lights flash over me like in every single movie I had ever seen.
What happened, the Nurse asked? I had been watching Paranormal Activity and then I passed out, I replied. Ooh, I’ve heard that the movie is really scary. Blood was drawn.
The Doctor came by. What happened? Paranormal. Scary.
A Medical Technician swung by. What happened? Paranormal Activity. Heard it was scary. More EKG.
Another Nurse. What? Paranormal. Scary. More IV fluid.
For some reason an inordinate number of Nurses and People in White Lab Coats swung by to ask me what happened. Maybe some referred to me as that “Paranormal Guy,” and maybe some looked at me incredulously, and maybe some giggled, and maybe some Civilians said something about “tax dollars.” I don’t know, it was hard to tell with all the electrodes stuck to my chest, and the intravenous pipes stuck to my arms. And no, unlike the movies there is no beep-beep-beep sound, but those little sine-like waves are somewhat nerve-wracking, because you really, really want yours to be in a steady, firm rhythm, which makes you stress, causing an uneven rhythm, making you stress even more, causing those rhythms to become even more uneven, raising your stress…
You’re back to normal now, the Doctor said.
What happened, TBH inquired, fearfully. Yes, I too inquired fearfully, what happened?
Well, it seems that you had put yourself in a very stressful situation. Your heart rate had gotten so elevated that your body had to shut itself down causing a precipitous drop in blood pressure, you being accused of looking pale, and the blacking out. Basically, Vasovagal Syncope brought on by sudden panic.
You mean…
Yes, you fainted out of fear.
The Doctor handed me some sheets of paper.
What’s this?
Your Discharge Instructions.
What do they say, I asked TBH, my eyes too weak to read.
Take deep breaths during stressful situations to lower your heart rate and…
Go on.
…don’t watch scary movies.
What?
Yes, it says that you are under doctor’s orders to not watch scary movies.
And so we made our way back to the flat where for some reason I made sure that every single light was on. I’m fine, it’s just that, you know…
TBH went over and patted the Cat. It was a beautiful little moment, the family commiserating after a near-death experience, my heart rate was beginning to come back to normal, things were looking good…
“Well Dori Lu, it seems that you aren’t the only p***y in the house.”
With that TBH walked away, leaving the two p***ies by themselves.
Thank God the lights were on.
Story Three: The Two Worst Words in the English Language
The very next day after my Paramedical Activity, the next morning in fact, I heard the two worst words in the English Language at work.
No, they weren’t “No” and “Promotion” (even though those announcements, or lack thereof, were made that same morning – irony? coincidence? bad timing? karma? the universe out to get me?)
Apparently The Better Half had gone for her Annual Physical Exam and for some reason our Primary Care Physician and her talked about me the whole time. Why? Well, my blood test had come back and my Cholesterol was looking bad. Actually, my Good Cholesterol was low and Bad Cholesterol was high. So my good was bad and my bad was bad.
(A good mnemonic device for remembering which is which was given to me by the PCP later. LDL starts with “L.” “Low” also starts with “L.” This means your LDL should be “Low,” which means it’s the Bad Cholesterol. HDL starts with “H.” “High” also starts with “H.” This means that your HDL should be “High,” which means it’s the Good Cholesterol).
If I didn’t straighten up and fly right then things were going to get ugly, real ugly. We’re talking medication, tasteless foods, physical activity, no alcohol, yoga, and other such heinous things.
Fine, I said to TBH, what will it take for me to straighten up and fly right?
And that’s when she said those two worst words in the English language: “Diet” and “Exercise.”
Diet and Exercise.
I really hope your 2010 is better than what mine is shaping up to be!
All the best for 2010!
Cheers!
The basu! Guide to the Movies
(The Here-Comes-a-New-Decade Edition)
25 December 2009 – 01 January 2010
The b! List
Ten things that are the best, ever (currently)!
Special Mention: John Hughes. Sigh, I still can’t get over the fact that my adolescence is well and truly over.
http://bit.ly/LPWnC
1. James Cameron’s Ego and Ambition. Waddya know, that crazy lunatic megalomaniacal maniac has gone and done it again with Avatar! Take that all you haters out there!
http://bit.ly/1nM731
2. “Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down” by Alicia Keys Featuring Stephen Colbert. The Best Song of 2009, ever! Stephen Colbert > John Stewart…there, I said it!
http://bit.ly/5nKTus
3. The Great Colin Firth. Finally, the great man gets his long overdue moment in the Oscar sunshine.
http://bit.ly/4TVNZB
4. “United State of Pop 2009 (Blame It on the Pop)” by DJ Earworm. Best Mashup, Ever!
http://bit.ly/5PWw7R
5. Anna Kendrick. The little dynamo completely steals the overrated (but still pretty good) Up in the Air from seasoned vets George Clooney and Vera Farmiga.
http://bit.ly/5tlLoC
6. Virender Sehwag. The most devastating and dominating athlete in the world. The Sri Lankans are still having nightmares about him!
http://bit.ly/6UuibS
7. Patton Oswalt. Great job in Big Fan, and very, very gracious in person. Love that guy!
http://bit.ly/711q5q
8. The Bible Illuminated: R. Crumb’s Book of Genesis Exhibition. Who knew that Sunday School would be this, um, interesting?
http://bit.ly/ZsXHz
9. Tara’s Himalayan Cuisine. The dishes might sound similar to Indian food, but they taste very different at this charming little Tibetan/Nepalese restaurant. Yum!
http://www.tarashimalayancuisine.com/
10. Family and Friends. Always the best things about any year!
One to Watch: A True (Eccentric) Visionary
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Directed by: Terry Gilliam
Starring: Heath Ledger, Christopher Plummer, Tom Waits, Lily Cole, and Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell as Heath Ledger
Plot: The proprietor of a fantastical traveling show must protect his daughter from a deal he made with the Devil. We-are-firmly-in-Terry-Gilliam-fantasy-territory-here type complications ensue.
The basu! Buzz: Okay, so the story is here how the great Ledger died during filming and director Gilliam was talked into finishing the film with Depp, Law, and Farrell taking over the role that Ledger had been playing. There will be a morbid curiosity to see how this whole thing turned out, sure, but the real reason to see this film is Gilliam. People like Tim Burton keep being lauded for maintaining their own idiosyncratic visions in a typically unsympathetic Hollywood system, yet Gilliam continues to struggle on the edges of the film world, still looking for legitimacy and a steady career. Love him or hate him, Gilliam is never, ever boring, and there’s always a good chance that his films will continue to confound easy expectations.
Bottom Line: Me and Other Fans of the Great Terry Gilliam: Theatres – First Week; Other, More Mainstream Souls: Theatres – Eventually
Other Movies to Check Out (as well): Brazil; Monty Python and the Holy Grail; Time Bandits; Twelve Monkeys; The Fisher King; The Adventures of Baron Munchausen; Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas; Jabberwocky; Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life; Lost in La Mancha
Ones to Watch: Foreign Language Films of Note
The White Ribbon
Directed by: Michael Haneke
Starring: Christian Friedel, Ernst Jacobi, Leonie Benesch
Plot: Strange accidents unfold in a German village on the eve of World War I. We-are-firmly-in-a-polarizing-director-at-the-top-of-his-game-territory-here type complications ensue.
The basu! Buzz: I’m not necessarily a huge fan of Haneke, but his movies almost always elicit a strong reaction. The strongest so far? Apparently, from the Cannes Jury which gave the film the coveted Palme d’Or. Pretty, pretty strong, wouldn’t you say?
Bottom Line: Those Lucky Few in Los Angeles and Manhattan: Theatres – First Week; Other, Less Geographically Fortunate Souls: Theatres – Eventually
Other Movies to Check Out (as well): Funny Games (1997); Funny Games (2007); Cache; The Piano Player; Code Unknown
Directed by: Corneliu Porumboiu
Starring: Dragos Bucur, Vlad Ivanov, Irina Saulescu, Ion Stoica, Marian Ghenea
Plot: A young police officer faces a difficult choice between following the rules and following his conscience. We-are-firmly-in-foreign-film-Cop-Drama-territory-here type complications ensue.
The basu! Buzz: First, I was totally into critically acclaimed Romanian films when I heard about The Death of Mr. Lazarescu. Then The Better Half and I watched this so-called masterpiece and we were off critically acclaimed Romanian films. Then I heard about 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days winning the Cannes Palme d’Or and then being predictably snubbed by the Academy Awards (the Foreign Film Branch is a complete and utter travockerysham), and after watching the film we were back into critically acclaimed Romanian films. Which means that we are into this film.
Bottom Line: Those Lucky Few in Los Angeles and Manhattan: Theatres – First Week; Other, Less Geographically Fortunate Souls: DVD
Other Movies to Check Out (as well): Police Python 357; Hana-bi; Ab Tak Chhappan; Infernal Affairs; Hot Fuzz; 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days
Movies
It's Complicated
Directed by: Nancy Meyers
Starring: Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin, John Krasinski, Lake Bell, Rita Wilson
Plot: A middle-aged divorced woman begins having an affair with a married man, who just happens to be her ex-husband. We-are-firmly-in-Nancy-Meyers-territory-here type complications ensue.
The basu! Buzz: Is Baldwin being heavily promoted in the film’s publicity because he steals the movie from higher-billed Martin, or because he is a member of the NBC Universal/Comcast family and NBC needs as much help with 30 Rock as it can get? Discuss amongst yourselves.
Bottom Line: Me, and other Fans of Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin: Theatres – Eventually; Other People Who Know a Paycheck Job When They See One: DVD
Other Movies to Check Out (as well): Private Benjamin; Baby Boom; I Love Trouble; Something's Gotta Give; The Holiday
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
Directed by: Betty Thomas
Starring: Jason Lee, David Cross, Zachary Levi, Drew Barrymore, Justin Long
Plot: A trio of cute singing chipmunk brothers must contend with an all-female group for the hearts and minds of their fans. We-are-firmly-in-pure-moneymaking-movie-territory-here type complications ensue.
The basu! Buzz: The reason that Levi takes over the movie from Lee is that the latter had some “scheduling conflicts” that the screenwriters somehow managed to overcome in the plot. The fact that the under-employed Lee would give up a lucrative role in a seemingly endless franchise must surely point to the overall quality of the enterprise.
Bottom Line: Those with Young Children in Need of Babysitting Help: Theatres – Eventually; Other, Less Harried Souls: Pass
Other Movies to Check Out (instead): Scooby-Doo; Garfield: The Movie; G-Force
The Top Movie of 2008 That I Saw in 2009
Gomorrah
The Top Clive Owen Movie(s) of 2009
The Boys Are Back (new entry)
The International
Duplicity
The Top WTH?! Movie of 2009 That I Wish I Could Put in My Top 10
Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (new entry)
The Top Scariest Movie, Ever! of 2009
Paranormal Activity (new entry)
The Top 10 Movies of 2009
Avatar (new entry) [tie]
Goodbye Solo [tie]
The Hurt Locker [tie]
The Cove (new entry) [tie]
Up [tie]
A Serious Man (new entry)
A Single Man (new entry)
Fantastic Mr. Fox (new entry)
The Beaches of Agnes
The Hangover
Where the Wild Things Are (new entry)
The Blind Side (new entry)
Bright Star (new entry)
Star Trek
Coraline
District 9 (new entry)
The Informant! (new entry)
Big Fan (new entry)
Public Enemies
Inglourious Basterds (new entry)
The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
Drag Me To H*ll
The Road (new entry)
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Up in the Air (new entry)
Tyson
Michael Jackson’s This Is It (new entry)
9 (new entry)
An Education (new entry)
Precious: Based on the Novel by Sapphire (new entry)
The Men Who Stare At Goats (new entry)
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (new entry)
Top 10 Films Out Right Now That I Positively Have to See
Broken Embraces
Invictus
Crazy Heart
Nine
The Lovely Bones
The Last Station
Red Cliff
The Young Victoria
Brothers
Sherlock Holmes